"Lame" in the New Millennium

So, I'm standing in the cookies and crackers isle at my local grocery store wishing I could identify my tormentor--the person who put the Wheat Thins next to the Oreo cookies!! Not only are the Oreos next to the Wheat Thins, they are ON SALE buy one get one free!! It's a conspiracy, I tell you! But alas, I resisted temptation and purchased just ONE pack of Chips Ahoy! LOL

While I am standing there making this vital decision, two young girls are behind me trying to decide on which soda to buy. I will call them Girl1 and Girl2. As they are standing there, Girl1's cell phone rings, and she talks with someone for a few minutes, but that's not the interesting part. Actually, I wasn't really paying attention until she ended the call.
When she hangs up, she says to Girl2, "that was Brad! He called me to say hi!"
Girl2 says, "whaaaaat??"
I'll pause here.
Now, during my day, just this portion of the conversation would have most likely meant that one of the cutest guys in school had called. Then, my friend and I would have giggled at the excitement of it. NOT the case here! Ok, continuing...

Girl1 says, "yeah he CALLED me! I texted him 'hi! what's up' and he actually CALLED me to say hi!"
Girl2: "OH MY GOD!! You mean he did not TEXT back hi??!"
Girl1: "NO!!!"
Girl2: "oh he is TOO lame!! Don’t talk to him anymore if he couldn't text hi! OH MY GOD!"
Girl1: "oh I'm not! Let me delete 'lame-o's' number right now!"

My first response was a smile as I thought about poor Brad. :-( Then, I thought about the way our world has changed. Social media and all electronic communication have transformed how we define others, our relationships, even ourselves, and success.
The Pew Internet & American Life Project has several articles on teens and social media and other information on the impacts of technology use. See http://www.pewinternet.org/Reports/2007/Teens-and-Social-Media.aspx or click the title of this blog.

What are your thoughts or personal stories on this topic?

FYI: "The Pew Internet Project is an initiative of the Pew Research Center, a nonprofit, nonpartisan “fact tank” that provides information on the issues, attitudes and trends shaping America and the world. The Project studies the social impact of the internet."

One Thousand

Over the past few days, I've had conversations about friendship. Nothing planned, but it just happened to come up in conversations. I am thinking about how our definition of friend changes over the years. In kindergarten, it was one thing. By second or third grade, you've been exposed to some of the "cruelties" of this world so your circle of friends shift. Then, you hit middle school. Throughout junior high and high school, your friends constantly change because you don't know who are yet; therefore, your friends for *that* week depend on your mood. :) And yes, the high school stage many times lingers into adulthood, and our life paths' connects us to different people along the way. People who enrich, support, and celebrate who we are! We finally find our fit and we call them friends!

Friendship is a beautiful thing--especially true friendship! It is to be cherished and nurtured! Below is one of my favorite poems about friendship by Rudyard Kipling. If you've found your "thousandth man," you are blessed and fortunate. Or on the other hand, maybe you are some one's "thousandth man"--what a rare treasure!

The Thousandth Man by Rudyard Kipling

One man in a thousand, Solomon says,
Will stick more close than a brother.
And it's worth while seeking him half your days
If you find him before the other.
Nine hundred and ninety-nine depend
On what the world sees in you,
But the Thousandth man will stand your friend
With the whole round world agin you.

'Tis neither promise nor prayer nor show
Will settle the finding for 'ee.
Nine hundred and ninety-nine of 'em go
By your looks, or your acts, or your glory.
But if he finds you and you find him.
The rest of the world don't matter;
For the Thousandth Man will sink or swim
With you in any water.

You can use his purse with no more talk
Than he uses yours for his spendings,
And laugh and meet in your daily walk
As though there had been no lendings.
Nine hundred and ninety-nine of 'em call
For silver and gold in their dealings;
But the Thousandth Man he's worth 'em all,
Because you can show him your feelings.

His wrong's your wrong, and his right's your right,
In season or out of season.
Stand up and back it in all men's sight --
With that for your only reason!
Nine hundred and ninety-nine can't bide
The shame or mocking or laughter,
But the Thousandth Man will stand by your side
To the gallows-foot -- and after!

Stressed? Who me???

Everyday, we see more and more the detrimental effects of stress, especially when it comes to illness and disease.
I heard someone on television say that stress consumed her and effected her health because she had the wrong definition of stress. She thought stress meant that she was not able to handle life, so she took on many tasks to prove that she was NOT stressed. Totally wrong way to go, right?
After, twenty years she realized what she had done to her body and how she had damaged many personal and professional relationships.

Let's talk..How do you define stress? What are you doing to take care of your body, mind and spirit?

For more information on stress, visit the American Institute of Stress at http://www.stress.org

Anger--It's Natural!

That's right! Anger is a natural human emotion. It becomes a problem when we cannot control our behavior, and it becomes destructive. One of the first things that I share with my clients is to no longer say he/she/you/it MADE me angry. Using the word "made" immediately gives power to something or someone other than you.

Therefore, you "stay" angry while waiting on the person or situation to change. Admit it--sometimes you are angry with someone, and they have no idea that anything is wrong. So, your anger lasts longer, because you have not communicated your feelings and you still use the word "made." Remember you always have control of how you respond to people and events in your life.

Instead, use "I" statements to put the control back in your hands and to better identify your triggers. Using "I" statements also creates a more welcoming space for open communication.

For example, here are two statements a wife may make to her husband:
1.) You make me so angry when I have to come home and things are not done!
2.) I get angry when I come home and see that you have not finished any of the household chores.

Do you see any difference in the two statements? If so, what are they?
Also, feel free to share any additional thoughts that you have about anger.

Spirituality and Counseling

In the helping profession of counseling, I believe it to be beneficial to consider the mental, physical and spiritual aspects of a person to reach meaningful solutions.

As Gerald Corey (2006) points out in his article, "Integrating Spirituality in Counseling Practice," the spiritual life of a person is most often not considered in the therapeutic process. He finds this to be a detriment, because solutions to presenting issues may be found in a person's spiritual or religious values and beliefs. He notes that the psychology world is taking notice of spirituality's role in the counseling process; however, he still emphasizes that the profession recognizes it as a critical and valuable source for clients.

In this article, Corey also shares insights from three prominent figures in spirituality and religion: Dalai Lama, Mother Teresa, and Rabbi Harold Kushner. He uses their contributions to emphasize the importance of spirituality in daily life which is provided for additional evidence for why spirituality should be integrated into counseling.

The article is concluded with a suggested reading list and a list of questions that we as the readers should ask ourselves about our own spiritual lives.

The complete article can be found on the link below:

http://counselingoutfitters.com/vistas/vistas06/vistas06.25.pdf

You may click on the title of this post for more research on spirituality and counseling.

Polite Counseling, LLC

Sunday begins a new week. It is also the day that I begin a new venture--online counseling. I have researched this area for years, and in a couple of weeks, I will have the chance to learn more from an international expert. I am looking forward to providing a service that can potentially help so many who have previously experienced a "gap" in quality counseling services. You may click on this blog title to go to my website to learn more about my professional experience and the world of online counseling.. So, with humility and dedication, I embark on this journey...

Call Me

Time's up

MJ, Farrah, Ed--we lost them all this week. So many questions and topics have come up in the media.
Is he broke?
Was he happy?
He was a caring man.
She was beautiful
She was strong.
He's an icon.
She's an icon.
He was a friend.
He was an addict.
His wife was too young.
Did his family know?
Why did his friends abandon him?
She spent money on alternative treatments.

At the end of life, what really matters? what questions do you really need answers to? what will people remember about you? Are those who remain on this earth really living life to their full potential? Are we wasting time?

Change: It's Inevitable

Whether you resist it or face it head on, change is always occurring. For me, recently, I have been embracing change. It is not an easy process, but I know that it will result in positive growth.
Sometimes the hardest part of change is dealing with the reaction of those in your environment. People get comfortable with your maintaining the norm. It serves as their cue for how to function. Therefore, if you change, it will require the people around you to adjust their pattern of behavior. Basically, you have started a chain reaction requiring everyone to make adjustments. Everyone will not be a "happy camper."

Martha Beck (2004) states that "any transition serious enough to alter your definition of self...is a full-on [human] metamorphosis" (http://www.oprah.com/article/spirit/inspiration/pkgcelebrateyou/omag_200401_beck).
She describes this metamorphosis as occurring in four phases:

1.) Dissolving- Loss of identity due triggered by a life event
2.) Imagining- Visualizing a new identity and a new life
3.) Reforming- Implementation to make #2 a reality
4.) Flying- New identity fully formed

Beck's perspective is that there are ways to embrace each stage and fully experience where you are in your transition. She lists strategies to implement that will optimize the benefits of each phase. Beck also notes that you may move in and out and even repeat some phases before you reach the fourth stage. Ultimately, at some point in life, you will start all over at one and work your way to four again.

After all, we are works in progress, so change is inevitable.

My Family

Family influence has been heavy on my mind lately. Watching my own family, I'm feeling how much I love them and no matter what kind of day I have, seeing them reminds me of who I am. They help me regain my focus not by doing anything special, but by just being and allowing me to just be.

As we know, there are so many studies and theories that exist to examine and to explain the degree of family influence on development.
My perspective on family influence is in line with Dr. Murray Bowen's Family Systems Theory in which the basic premise is that an individual cannot be understood in isolation. Whether we admit to it or not, we are interdependent at some level. Using genograms (http://www.genopro.com/genogram/family-systems-theory/) with some of my clients has proven to be an eye opening experience and very beneficial in identifying patterns, causes of behavior, triggers, and a plan to stop the cycle.

Family is a huge factor in development, but is it the single most important one?

Emotional Maturity

When I hear this term, the first word that comes to mind is wisdom. Merriam-Webster's list of synonyms for "wisdom" include discernment and insight (www.m-w.com). So how does one become emotional mature? How do you gain wisdom, or insight, or discernment? We all know that these traits exist stronger in some
than in others. But now I'm back at the question asked in my first blog post: what determines emotional maturity?

I learned a few years ago that many have been searching for a way to answer that question. However, the term I found was "emotional intelligence (EI)."
[I'll go ahead and note that from this point forward I use the following reference: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_intelligence]

Wayne Payne is credited with being the first person to use EI in his doctoral thesis. Growing interest of this concept prompted the formation of many
definitions that are now broken down into 3 main models:

Mixed models of EI, (focuses on self-awareness, social awareness, self-management, and relationship management)
Ability EI, (involves the ability to perceive, integrate, understand and regulate emotions)
Traits EI (based on a person's own perception of his or her abilities)

You can see the link above for a detailed overview of each.

As far as the criticisms of the "scientific" study of EI, I agree with most listed on the wikipedia link. The problem I see with each is validity. The assessment tools for the Mixed and Traits models are self-reports. The Ability model uses the Mayer-Salovey-Caruso Emotional Intelligence Test (MSCEIT) which contains a series of emotion-based problem-solving questions. The other issue I have with proposing this as a scientific, measurable concept is that it is too broad and varied to narrow down into categories. I do not think it can be generalilzed to all populations, because there are cultural considerations that come into play. The constructs used within the definitions are viewed differently in different cultures.

I found a lot of information in my research. Check out this website: http://www.eiconsortium.org/ On this site, I see that someone has written a book that discusses emotions and culture. I'll have to read it and get back with you. I basically just wanted to give you some food for thought, since I didn't address the question in Wednesday's post.

So what determines emotional maturity? There are so many answers out there. Do a Google search and you will see. But my simple answer is that we gain wisdom when we are truly present to our life to learn its lessons day after day after day....and when required we can recall the morals from each lesson to help us in the present moment... Yes I know there are holes in my definition as well. :-)

What are your thoughts?
Trinka

In the beginning...

Ahh the first post.. I guess I should begin with how it all began.

I remember vividly as a child crying, because someone had hurt my feelings. I felt what I had labeled as sad. Then, I heard the words that would jump start my interest in human behavior: "Trinka stop crying. You're just too sensitive." I was 10 years old.

From that moment on whenever I expressed emotion in any form, I was told I was sensitive, not only by my parents, but soon the family as a whole labeled me as "too sensitive." Since these were the people that loved me, then obviously they knew best--right? I started not to trust myself, since my perceived feelings were so incongruent with how my environment interpreted them. Defeated, I began to rely on others to define my emotions or I just didn't express anything at all. I succumbed to the status quo--just smile, just laugh or just ignore. Even at 10 years of age, I knew this was not right, but I was outnumbered.

As I grew, I retreated and became fascinated by human behavior. I was quiet and observant. I studied people's body movements, facial expressions and intently listened to the words of conversations. (eavesdropping--I know that's what you're thinking.) I was rapidly learning that a lot of times not all three matched.

So, I discovered psychology and went off to college to find answers to key questions for me:
1. Why do people do what they do?
2. What gives someone the right to define someone else's experience?
3. What determines emotional maturity?
4. Lastly, am I really sensitive because I express different emotions? :-)

Well that was almost 20 years ago and life has given me many different perspectives on the answers to those questions. As a result, many more questions formed. However, there is only one answer to am I too sensitive because I express myself. It is unequivocally no!
As my Mother eventually learned and shared with me, "If God didn't want us to express different emotions, He wouldn't have given them to us!" lol

I welcome your thoughts.
Trinka