Anger--It's Natural!

That's right! Anger is a natural human emotion. It becomes a problem when we cannot control our behavior, and it becomes destructive. One of the first things that I share with my clients is to no longer say he/she/you/it MADE me angry. Using the word "made" immediately gives power to something or someone other than you.

Therefore, you "stay" angry while waiting on the person or situation to change. Admit it--sometimes you are angry with someone, and they have no idea that anything is wrong. So, your anger lasts longer, because you have not communicated your feelings and you still use the word "made." Remember you always have control of how you respond to people and events in your life.

Instead, use "I" statements to put the control back in your hands and to better identify your triggers. Using "I" statements also creates a more welcoming space for open communication.

For example, here are two statements a wife may make to her husband:
1.) You make me so angry when I have to come home and things are not done!
2.) I get angry when I come home and see that you have not finished any of the household chores.

Do you see any difference in the two statements? If so, what are they?
Also, feel free to share any additional thoughts that you have about anger.

Change: It's Inevitable

Whether you resist it or face it head on, change is always occurring. For me, recently, I have been embracing change. It is not an easy process, but I know that it will result in positive growth.
Sometimes the hardest part of change is dealing with the reaction of those in your environment. People get comfortable with your maintaining the norm. It serves as their cue for how to function. Therefore, if you change, it will require the people around you to adjust their pattern of behavior. Basically, you have started a chain reaction requiring everyone to make adjustments. Everyone will not be a "happy camper."

Martha Beck (2004) states that "any transition serious enough to alter your definition of self...is a full-on [human] metamorphosis" (http://www.oprah.com/article/spirit/inspiration/pkgcelebrateyou/omag_200401_beck).
She describes this metamorphosis as occurring in four phases:

1.) Dissolving- Loss of identity due triggered by a life event
2.) Imagining- Visualizing a new identity and a new life
3.) Reforming- Implementation to make #2 a reality
4.) Flying- New identity fully formed

Beck's perspective is that there are ways to embrace each stage and fully experience where you are in your transition. She lists strategies to implement that will optimize the benefits of each phase. Beck also notes that you may move in and out and even repeat some phases before you reach the fourth stage. Ultimately, at some point in life, you will start all over at one and work your way to four again.

After all, we are works in progress, so change is inevitable.

In the beginning...

Ahh the first post.. I guess I should begin with how it all began.

I remember vividly as a child crying, because someone had hurt my feelings. I felt what I had labeled as sad. Then, I heard the words that would jump start my interest in human behavior: "Trinka stop crying. You're just too sensitive." I was 10 years old.

From that moment on whenever I expressed emotion in any form, I was told I was sensitive, not only by my parents, but soon the family as a whole labeled me as "too sensitive." Since these were the people that loved me, then obviously they knew best--right? I started not to trust myself, since my perceived feelings were so incongruent with how my environment interpreted them. Defeated, I began to rely on others to define my emotions or I just didn't express anything at all. I succumbed to the status quo--just smile, just laugh or just ignore. Even at 10 years of age, I knew this was not right, but I was outnumbered.

As I grew, I retreated and became fascinated by human behavior. I was quiet and observant. I studied people's body movements, facial expressions and intently listened to the words of conversations. (eavesdropping--I know that's what you're thinking.) I was rapidly learning that a lot of times not all three matched.

So, I discovered psychology and went off to college to find answers to key questions for me:
1. Why do people do what they do?
2. What gives someone the right to define someone else's experience?
3. What determines emotional maturity?
4. Lastly, am I really sensitive because I express different emotions? :-)

Well that was almost 20 years ago and life has given me many different perspectives on the answers to those questions. As a result, many more questions formed. However, there is only one answer to am I too sensitive because I express myself. It is unequivocally no!
As my Mother eventually learned and shared with me, "If God didn't want us to express different emotions, He wouldn't have given them to us!" lol

I welcome your thoughts.
Trinka