That's right! Anger is a natural human emotion. It becomes a problem when we cannot control our behavior, and it becomes destructive. One of the first things that I share with my clients is to no longer say he/she/you/it MADE me angry. Using the word "made" immediately gives power to something or someone other than you.
Therefore, you "stay" angry while waiting on the person or situation to change. Admit it--sometimes you are angry with someone, and they have no idea that anything is wrong. So, your anger lasts longer, because you have not communicated your feelings and you still use the word "made." Remember you always have control of how you respond to people and events in your life.
Instead, use "I" statements to put the control back in your hands and to better identify your triggers. Using "I" statements also creates a more welcoming space for open communication.
For example, here are two statements a wife may make to her husband:
1.) You make me so angry when I have to come home and things are not done!
2.) I get angry when I come home and see that you have not finished any of the household chores.
Do you see any difference in the two statements? If so, what are they?
Also, feel free to share any additional thoughts that you have about anger.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Spirituality and Counseling
In the helping profession of counseling, I believe it to be beneficial to consider the mental, physical and spiritual aspects of a person to reach meaningful solutions.
As Gerald Corey (2006) points out in his article, "Integrating Spirituality in Counseling Practice," the spiritual life of a person is most often not considered in the therapeutic process. He finds this to be a detriment, because solutions to presenting issues may be found in a person's spiritual or religious values and beliefs. He notes that the psychology world is taking notice of spirituality's role in the counseling process; however, he still emphasizes that the profession recognizes it as a critical and valuable source for clients.
In this article, Corey also shares insights from three prominent figures in spirituality and religion: Dalai Lama, Mother Teresa, and Rabbi Harold Kushner. He uses their contributions to emphasize the importance of spirituality in daily life which is provided for additional evidence for why spirituality should be integrated into counseling.
The article is concluded with a suggested reading list and a list of questions that we as the readers should ask ourselves about our own spiritual lives.
The complete article can be found on the link below:
http://counselingoutfitters.com/vistas/vistas06/vistas06.25.pdf
You may click on the title of this post for more research on spirituality and counseling.
As Gerald Corey (2006) points out in his article, "Integrating Spirituality in Counseling Practice," the spiritual life of a person is most often not considered in the therapeutic process. He finds this to be a detriment, because solutions to presenting issues may be found in a person's spiritual or religious values and beliefs. He notes that the psychology world is taking notice of spirituality's role in the counseling process; however, he still emphasizes that the profession recognizes it as a critical and valuable source for clients.
In this article, Corey also shares insights from three prominent figures in spirituality and religion: Dalai Lama, Mother Teresa, and Rabbi Harold Kushner. He uses their contributions to emphasize the importance of spirituality in daily life which is provided for additional evidence for why spirituality should be integrated into counseling.
The article is concluded with a suggested reading list and a list of questions that we as the readers should ask ourselves about our own spiritual lives.
The complete article can be found on the link below:
http://counselingoutfitters.com/vistas/vistas06/vistas06.25.pdf
You may click on the title of this post for more research on spirituality and counseling.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Polite Counseling, LLC
Sunday begins a new week. It is also the day that I begin a new venture--online counseling. I have researched this area for years, and in a couple of weeks, I will have the chance to learn more from an international expert. I am looking forward to providing a service that can potentially help so many who have previously experienced a "gap" in quality counseling services. You may click on this blog title to go to my website to learn more about my professional experience and the world of online counseling.. So, with humility and dedication, I embark on this journey...
Call Me
Call Me
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Time's up
MJ, Farrah, Ed--we lost them all this week. So many questions and topics have come up in the media.
Is he broke?
Was he happy?
He was a caring man.
She was beautiful
She was strong.
He's an icon.
She's an icon.
He was a friend.
He was an addict.
His wife was too young.
Did his family know?
Why did his friends abandon him?
She spent money on alternative treatments.
At the end of life, what really matters? what questions do you really need answers to? what will people remember about you? Are those who remain on this earth really living life to their full potential? Are we wasting time?
Is he broke?
Was he happy?
He was a caring man.
She was beautiful
She was strong.
He's an icon.
She's an icon.
He was a friend.
He was an addict.
His wife was too young.
Did his family know?
Why did his friends abandon him?
She spent money on alternative treatments.
At the end of life, what really matters? what questions do you really need answers to? what will people remember about you? Are those who remain on this earth really living life to their full potential? Are we wasting time?
Friday, June 19, 2009
Change: It's Inevitable
Whether you resist it or face it head on, change is always occurring. For me, recently, I have been embracing change. It is not an easy process, but I know that it will result in positive growth.
Sometimes the hardest part of change is dealing with the reaction of those in your environment. People get comfortable with your maintaining the norm. It serves as their cue for how to function. Therefore, if you change, it will require the people around you to adjust their pattern of behavior. Basically, you have started a chain reaction requiring everyone to make adjustments. Everyone will not be a "happy camper."
Martha Beck (2004) states that "any transition serious enough to alter your definition of self...is a full-on [human] metamorphosis" (http://www.oprah.com/article/spirit/inspiration/pkgcelebrateyou/omag_200401_beck).
She describes this metamorphosis as occurring in four phases:
1.) Dissolving- Loss of identity due triggered by a life event
2.) Imagining- Visualizing a new identity and a new life
3.) Reforming- Implementation to make #2 a reality
4.) Flying- New identity fully formed
Beck's perspective is that there are ways to embrace each stage and fully experience where you are in your transition. She lists strategies to implement that will optimize the benefits of each phase. Beck also notes that you may move in and out and even repeat some phases before you reach the fourth stage. Ultimately, at some point in life, you will start all over at one and work your way to four again.
After all, we are works in progress, so change is inevitable.
Sometimes the hardest part of change is dealing with the reaction of those in your environment. People get comfortable with your maintaining the norm. It serves as their cue for how to function. Therefore, if you change, it will require the people around you to adjust their pattern of behavior. Basically, you have started a chain reaction requiring everyone to make adjustments. Everyone will not be a "happy camper."
Martha Beck (2004) states that "any transition serious enough to alter your definition of self...is a full-on [human] metamorphosis" (http://www.oprah.com/article/spirit/inspiration/pkgcelebrateyou/omag_200401_beck).
She describes this metamorphosis as occurring in four phases:
1.) Dissolving- Loss of identity due triggered by a life event
2.) Imagining- Visualizing a new identity and a new life
3.) Reforming- Implementation to make #2 a reality
4.) Flying- New identity fully formed
Beck's perspective is that there are ways to embrace each stage and fully experience where you are in your transition. She lists strategies to implement that will optimize the benefits of each phase. Beck also notes that you may move in and out and even repeat some phases before you reach the fourth stage. Ultimately, at some point in life, you will start all over at one and work your way to four again.
After all, we are works in progress, so change is inevitable.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
My Family
Family influence has been heavy on my mind lately. Watching my own family, I'm feeling how much I love them and no matter what kind of day I have, seeing them reminds me of who I am. They help me regain my focus not by doing anything special, but by just being and allowing me to just be.
As we know, there are so many studies and theories that exist to examine and to explain the degree of family influence on development.
My perspective on family influence is in line with Dr. Murray Bowen's Family Systems Theory in which the basic premise is that an individual cannot be understood in isolation. Whether we admit to it or not, we are interdependent at some level. Using genograms (http://www.genopro.com/genogram/family-systems-theory/) with some of my clients has proven to be an eye opening experience and very beneficial in identifying patterns, causes of behavior, triggers, and a plan to stop the cycle.
Family is a huge factor in development, but is it the single most important one?
As we know, there are so many studies and theories that exist to examine and to explain the degree of family influence on development.
My perspective on family influence is in line with Dr. Murray Bowen's Family Systems Theory in which the basic premise is that an individual cannot be understood in isolation. Whether we admit to it or not, we are interdependent at some level. Using genograms (http://www.genopro.com/genogram/family-systems-theory/) with some of my clients has proven to be an eye opening experience and very beneficial in identifying patterns, causes of behavior, triggers, and a plan to stop the cycle.
Family is a huge factor in development, but is it the single most important one?
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Emotional Maturity
When I hear this term, the first word that comes to mind is wisdom. Merriam-Webster's list of synonyms for "wisdom" include discernment and insight (www.m-w.com). So how does one become emotional mature? How do you gain wisdom, or insight, or discernment? We all know that these traits exist stronger in some
than in others. But now I'm back at the question asked in my first blog post: what determines emotional maturity?
I learned a few years ago that many have been searching for a way to answer that question. However, the term I found was "emotional intelligence (EI)."
[I'll go ahead and note that from this point forward I use the following reference: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_intelligence]
Wayne Payne is credited with being the first person to use EI in his doctoral thesis. Growing interest of this concept prompted the formation of many
definitions that are now broken down into 3 main models:
Mixed models of EI, (focuses on self-awareness, social awareness, self-management, and relationship management)
Ability EI, (involves the ability to perceive, integrate, understand and regulate emotions)
Traits EI (based on a person's own perception of his or her abilities)
You can see the link above for a detailed overview of each.
As far as the criticisms of the "scientific" study of EI, I agree with most listed on the wikipedia link. The problem I see with each is validity. The assessment tools for the Mixed and Traits models are self-reports. The Ability model uses the Mayer-Salovey-Caruso Emotional Intelligence Test (MSCEIT) which contains a series of emotion-based problem-solving questions. The other issue I have with proposing this as a scientific, measurable concept is that it is too broad and varied to narrow down into categories. I do not think it can be generalilzed to all populations, because there are cultural considerations that come into play. The constructs used within the definitions are viewed differently in different cultures.
I found a lot of information in my research. Check out this website: http://www.eiconsortium.org/ On this site, I see that someone has written a book that discusses emotions and culture. I'll have to read it and get back with you. I basically just wanted to give you some food for thought, since I didn't address the question in Wednesday's post.
So what determines emotional maturity? There are so many answers out there. Do a Google search and you will see. But my simple answer is that we gain wisdom when we are truly present to our life to learn its lessons day after day after day....and when required we can recall the morals from each lesson to help us in the present moment... Yes I know there are holes in my definition as well. :-)
What are your thoughts?
Trinka
than in others. But now I'm back at the question asked in my first blog post: what determines emotional maturity?
I learned a few years ago that many have been searching for a way to answer that question. However, the term I found was "emotional intelligence (EI)."
[I'll go ahead and note that from this point forward I use the following reference: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_intelligence]
Wayne Payne is credited with being the first person to use EI in his doctoral thesis. Growing interest of this concept prompted the formation of many
definitions that are now broken down into 3 main models:
Mixed models of EI, (focuses on self-awareness, social awareness, self-management, and relationship management)
Ability EI, (involves the ability to perceive, integrate, understand and regulate emotions)
Traits EI (based on a person's own perception of his or her abilities)
You can see the link above for a detailed overview of each.
As far as the criticisms of the "scientific" study of EI, I agree with most listed on the wikipedia link. The problem I see with each is validity. The assessment tools for the Mixed and Traits models are self-reports. The Ability model uses the Mayer-Salovey-Caruso Emotional Intelligence Test (MSCEIT) which contains a series of emotion-based problem-solving questions. The other issue I have with proposing this as a scientific, measurable concept is that it is too broad and varied to narrow down into categories. I do not think it can be generalilzed to all populations, because there are cultural considerations that come into play. The constructs used within the definitions are viewed differently in different cultures.
I found a lot of information in my research. Check out this website: http://www.eiconsortium.org/ On this site, I see that someone has written a book that discusses emotions and culture. I'll have to read it and get back with you. I basically just wanted to give you some food for thought, since I didn't address the question in Wednesday's post.
So what determines emotional maturity? There are so many answers out there. Do a Google search and you will see. But my simple answer is that we gain wisdom when we are truly present to our life to learn its lessons day after day after day....and when required we can recall the morals from each lesson to help us in the present moment... Yes I know there are holes in my definition as well. :-)
What are your thoughts?
Trinka
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